Three Sheets to the Wind
by drgemini86
Summary: The road to nowhere packs a wallop. A vignette of ficly cliché parodies. SamDaniel, CamVala, JackDaniel, Teal'cIsh'ta
1. Jack

_**Three Sheets to the Wind, by DrGemini86 (DrGemini24)**_

_**Summary: **The road to nowhere packs a wallop. A vignette of ficly cliché parodies. SamDaniel, CamVala, JackDaniel, Teal'cIsh'ta_

_**Pairings: **SamDaniel, CamVala, JackDaniel, Teal'cIsh'ta_

_**Rating: **M at the most_

_**Genres: **A/U, Action/Adventure, Drama, Friendship, Humour, Parody, Relationship-focussed, Romance-focussed, Thoughts_

_**Spoilers: **seasons 1-10, maybe the movies and Atlantis_

_**A/N: **not sure where I got the idea for this from. Seemed jolly fun though. Okay, I've written more than my fair share of clichés and I don't write anywhere near as well as the shiny folk on LiveJournal, so I'm not really in any sort of a position to get all seriously snobby about fan fiction. So therefore this is just some fun, poking fun at stuff I've come across within my realm of shippage (because outside of that, while fun, would be just way too big and time-consuming). _

_Unlike previous stories, this isn't archived on Scientific Minds due to the impending slash somewhere around here._

_**Just as an FYI, almost everybody featured here is out of character and the plots are, well, non-existent or bizarre – that's the point.**_

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**Cliché #1: Jack's been a bad friend**

**Season: 8**

Jack had heard the news of Daniel's accident during a briefing with SG-3. Naturally, he leapt from his seat and sprinted from the briefing room. He ignored the pain in his knees as he sprinted, yelling at an Airman to hold open the lift doors when the poor, scared Lieutenant stood, staring at the sight of the running General. Knowing that his life could depend on it, or at the very least his ability to procreate, the Lieutenant pressed the button to hold the doors open.

Jack entered the lift and jabbed the button for the level that the Infirmary was on. The green Lieutenant stared at the breathless General, wide-eyed, a question on his lips. As the doors closed, Jack glared at the young man and snapped, "What are you looking at?"

The Airman stood up straight and turned to face the front, not daring to say anything to the General. The lift plummeted downwards in a tense silence. When the lift stopped, Jack impatiently tapped his foot, muttering, "C'mon!" amongst a string of obscenities as the doors opened slower than usual, or appeared to do so. As soon as there was a sufficient gap, Jack fled down a corridor, sending personnel and piles of paper and books flying left, right and centre.

He came to a skidding halt in the Infirmary, where Doctor Brightman stood, waiting. She fought the urge to roll her eyes as the General caught his breath. She barely understood the deep ties between Jack and Daniel, but from she knew already, they ran incredibly deep, unnaturally so for two contrasting personalities. She simply pointed towards Daniel's bed, knowing that Jack was close to shaking her shoulders and she couldn't quite get herself to speak.

Jack nodded and quickly composed himself, strolling casually to the indicated bed, his hands in his pockets. He saw Daniel lying alone, looking so small for some reason in the Infirmary bed and the one-size-too-big scrubs. Jack sat down at his bedside, gazing at his friend. Brightman silently approached the end of the bed and said in a soft voice, her troubled eyes on the General's solemn form, "Sir, he's been unconscious since he was brought in. Nothing's been able to rouse him."

Jack asked, dreading the answer, "How did it happen?"

Brightman said in an even quieter voice, her voice roughened with emotion, "He cut himself on a sheet of paper..." Jack shut his eyes and Brightman stopped, not wanting to further compound the General's grief... or guilt for that matter. The doctor quietly slipped away as Jack gazed at his friend, tears in his eyes.

He sniffed as he squeezed Daniel's hand, whispering, "Daniel... dammit, wake up." He paused, swallowing past his pride. "I'm sorry." He paused again, this time for longer, feeling unable to get the words out. "I... I've been a crappy friend to you. I... if I hadn't been so busy with paperwork, we could have been watching a game and you wouldn't have cut yourself. I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry."

He kneaded his forehead on the hand that he held, his eyes closed tight as he wished with all of his heart that he could turn back time. Moments later, a murmuring roused the General to sit up straight, hope on his face as he watched Daniel murmur something unintelligibly. Moments after that, Daniel's eyes flickered open and he blinked as he stared at the light fittings of the Infirmary. He then frowned before turning to face Jack. He squinted and asked, his voice a little hoarse,

"Jack?"

Jack smiled in relief. "Daniel! Thought you were a goner there."

Daniel closed his eyes. "What..."

"Paper cut."

"Damn."

"Yeah, you have all the fun." Jack paused for a long moment and then said as he gazed at Daniel, the Archaeologist looking at him curiously, "Daniel... I'm sorry, buddy. I shouldn't have been so damn busy. If I hadn't been so busy, I could have dragged you out to watch a game and you wouldn't have cut yourself... and ergo, you wouldn't be here. I'm sorry. I've been a bad friend to you for so long... it's just that there's..." He let go of Daniel's hand to make a wide gesture with his hands. "... been so much in the way of that dang paperwork..."

Daniel allowed himself to smile a little as he put aside his own fears and memories of betrayal. "It's okay, Jack." He saw the guilt in the General's eyes. "I forgive you."

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**Next up... Daniel**


	2. Daniel

**Cliché #2: St Daniel of Enthusiasm, Forgetfulness, and Precipitation**

**Season: 9**

**Pairing: Sam/Daniel**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: in reading this, you may surmise that I have been watching Walk the Line recently  
**

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Sam idly fiddled with the lace of her negligée as she sat in the semi-darkness of the lounge. He was late. She glanced at the clock again just to make sure, and then at her mobile phone. Yes, he was definitely late. Very late.

With a wistful sigh, she got up and blew out the candles that were on the table near to her. Once again, something else had taken priority over her. She put her robe back on and sat back down again, her arms folded across her chest huffily. Her expression softened and tears began to fall as she looked at the gold band on the ring finger of her left hand.

Tonight of all nights for him to be late.

Spurred on by a sudden burst of anger, she reached for her phone again, ready to give him what for when said phone rang. Surprised, she almost dropped it before eventually answering it. "Hello?" Perhaps hostile aliens had taken him hostage and were ringing her in order to bait her into doing something completely reckless in order to get him back.

Or perhaps not. "Hey, honey."

She asked, trying not to sound suspicious but not being entirely successful, "Where are you?" She looked down at her left hand as another silent tear fell from her eyes. "I thought you were coming home early tonight." She hoped that he would remember on his own why she had been expecting him home early. The possibility that he wouldn't, made her chest hurt.

He sounded guilty. "I'm sorry, Sam... I truly am. I was all set to go home, but SG-3 brought back something amazing." She rolled her eyes as she imagined him drooling over a clay tablet or some such archaeological artefact. He seemed to shake himself out of it much sooner than usual though. He cleared his throat. "And, uh, the Infirmary exploded."

She almost dropped the phone in shock. When she had got over most of the shock, she was about to get up to get ready to go to the base. "What?! How? What happened? Is Carolyn alright? Was anyone hurt?"

He hesitated before replying, sounding sheepish at first, "Uh... no, sorry... I just meant the X-Ray scanner. Doctor Smith on my staff – you remember her? We went to her Halloween party a couple of months back..."

Sam clenched her jaw in suppressed annoyance at mention of the pretty Field Archaeologist who had spent an entire evening very obviously flirting with a completely oblivious Daniel. At least Sam liked to think that Daniel had been oblivious... until she had noticed Daniel's eyes flicker downwards towards the woman's cleavage during a conversation.

But he had been tipsy... and Doctor Smith was wearing noticeably a lot less clothing than the other guests.

She replied to Daniel's question, her teeth clenched furiously nonetheless, "Yes. I remember."

He continued brightly, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort, "Well, she suggested X-Raying the stela that we found on P1X-187 due to the abrupt ending of the text on it. There was the possibility that there could have been a secret compartment, or even..." She couldn't help but smile nostalgically as his speech speeded up with excitement. "... another smaller stela inside like a Russian doll."

He trailed off, obviously distracted by the ideas in his head, and she asked, impatient to know more, "Well? What happened?"

He cleared his throat again. "Well, Bill said something about the weight of the stela combined with the X-Rays bouncing off super magnetised particles of iron, nickel and cobalt, which were in constant flux... Anyway, all that combined overloaded the scanner. Landry ordered a new one, and he's banned my team from using it unless we put our reasons for wanting to use it in writing, and then run it through him and either you or Bill." He exhaled.

She said, even more curious yet baffled by the events he had described, "I wonder... perhaps the X-Rays and the electron spin of the metals combined may have resulted in an explosion. Interesting. We're going to have to test it out under controlled conditions." She paused, her sense of duty taking hold. "Wait... the situation must be under control if General Landry hasn't called me."

"Oh, no... it got cleared up quite quickly. There was some radiation but the Infirmary has been scrubbed down and decontaminated. No-one was injured, luckily." He paused for breath. "Everyone was rather uneasy about calling you for some reason. I can't think why."

She sighed, crashing back to Earth as she closed her eyes. He had forgotten. She asked, her voice sounding hollow, "What else is keeping you?"

"Oh well... I realised that some of my to-do translations had been left in my out-tray for some reason, and then, of course, there was that absolutely amazing thing from 187. Had to unplug my phone because it kept ringing, and I wasn't expecting anyone. Seemed to be a lot of people knocking on my door too... didn't they know how to read a 'do not disturb' sign? Had to lock it."

She sighed once again, now examining her reasons in keeping the phone line open. "Where are you now?"

"Just leaving Doctor Smith's house."

She blinked in surprise, her voice dangerously low. "What?"

"She had my copy of Champollion... and I'd forgotten I'd lent it to her." Sam rolled her eyes, working out the real version of the scenario – chiefly, the pretty young Field Archaeologist attempting to ensnare her husband by stealing his possessions. "I also had to tow her car because her gas tank had somehow been punctured, and she ran out of gas near Garden of the Gods. She called me while I was on base." He sighed wearily. "So... what have you been up to, honey?"

She clenched her fist and then smiled sweetly, an evil glint in her eyes. "Oh. Nothing much. Nothing at all. Just been preparing for tonight, what with it being our anniversary and all... Obviously, it's escaped your mind." Her face fell, and her voice quietened as she could swear that Daniel's breathing had stopped. "I'm going to Cam's. He's visiting his parents but I've got his keys." As he, shocked and baffled, attempted to apologise, she said before disconnecting, "Goodbye, Daniel."

In a daze, she dropped the phone beside her on the couch and stared at it. She got up, but instead of running upstairs to pack, like she had envisaged, she walked slowly, pain filling her entire body as the tears once again returned. However, she speeded up once she had reached the first floor, the Colonel quickly dressing, and throwing some of her things into a bag. She left the room, not caring enough to wipe away her tears as she descended the stairs.

When she was halfway down the stairs, the front door burst open suddenly, and there he stood. Despite the darkness of the hallway, with only the landing light illuminating it, she could see the desperation in his eyes, and that his hair was a mess. She was about to drop the bag but she strengthened her resolve and tightened her grip on it.

"Uh... what are you doing?" Typical. Make her look like the bad guy.

"What I should have done the last thousand times you've forgotten things like this." She calmly descended the stairs as he stared at her, now scared. She slowly put her bag down, not giving anything away about her emotions or state of mind.

Within seconds, she had thrown various vases and other hard items at him, screaming abuse at him as he shielded himself with his arms. "Sam!"

"You remember every_one_ else! You remember every_thing_ else! But do you remember to save your own marriage?!" The last question was punctuated by the telephone cradle, which whizzed past his head, skimming his ear, before it landed on the path leading to the front door with a cracking sound. "Go back to that Doctor Smith! She obviously makes for a better evening than I do."

She angrily grabbed her bag and was about to push past him when he grabbed her wrists, stopping her from leaving. Her bag dropped to the floor as she screamed hysterically, the Colonel pushing against his chest. "Let me go!"

He tenderly cupped her jaw with his hand, the Archaeologist genuinely bemused. "What did I do?" His eyes silently urged her to tell him. "Sam. Tell me."

She slapped him across the face and as he turned his face away during the bitter sting that followed, she rebuked him, "How dare you?! How dare you pretend everything is right and I'm the fruitcake here? You promised! You promised that you would come home early!"

He wouldn't meet her gaze, his eyes on the hands that he held. "But there were those... things..."

"And a pretty Archaeologist who can't keep herself from you."

He suddenly stared at her, looking at her as her as though she had gone completely in insane. "What? Marie? Oh God, Sam... no... why would you even think that?"

She sniffed, her voice quietening even though her body trembled with pent-up frustration and grief. "Because I'm not blind." She looked at him for a moment, a panoply of emotions on her face as she stroked his cheek. "Bye, Daniel."

She stepped off the front step, forgetting her bag as she walked down the path leading away from the house as it began to rain. He stared at her helplessly, wondering how things had flared up so fast. Knowing that he would live to regret it his whole life long if he didn't pursue her, he sprinted after her as the rain fell heavier. Now totally drenched by the ever heavier rainfall, he shouted as she neared the road, the Archaeologist ripping his glasses off as water droplets obscured his view,

"Sam!"

He eventually caught up with her and grabbed her by a wrist, spinning her around to face him. He smoothed her cheek tenderly. "Sam... you can't leave... not like this. Please, tell me what I've done."

The fight gone from her, she vainly fought against him, whispering in the downpour, her tears lost in the rain as she refused to look at him, "You know what you did. Do I have to draw a picture? You forgot our Anniversary, and a lot of other things. You think of everyone else but the people who should really matter to you... the one person right now who should. I guess I was hoping for too much when we got married. You're not ready to be a husband."

She was about to turn away from him again when he grabbed her by her elbows and kissed her. She was about to knee him when he lifted his own knee to block it. She eventually relented, surrendering herself to the embrace as the rain continued to pour on and around the couple. When the kiss ended, he held her face in his hands as he gazed at her intently.

"I'm sorry. Time slipped away from me and..." He paused. "I'm sorry for forgetting. I honestly thought it was the 16th today." He held her tightly, his chin resting on her head as he protected her from the oncoming storm. "I'm sorry."

She held onto him, her eyes closed as she managed a little smile as she began to shiver. "Oh Daniel... I could never stay mad at you... I love you."

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**Next... Sam...**


	3. Sam

**Cliché #3: Major-Doctor Samantha Carter makes everyone else... obsolete**

**Season: 7**

**Pairing: Sam/Jack friendship**

**Rating: K+**

**A/N: thanks to Entropic Cascade for being, well, mad (it's not a bad thing, lol). :o) And sorry to everyone about the last chapter. If it wasn't a parody of the powers of St Daniel, Sam would have repeatedly floored him.**

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Hammond escorted the recently inaugurated President Hayes around the SGC. As they walked down a corridor, the President appeared stunned when suddenly a yellow and blue blur whizzed past him. He carried on walking but looked at Hammond to see whether the General had noticed. He hadn't.

"As you may have noticed, Mr President, we have managed to cut base spending by forty-two percent. We hope that this..."

As Hayes began to doubt his sanity, the blur whizzed past again, in the opposite direction, disappearing into a lab. Noticing that Hammond still hadn't appeared to notice that anything was wrong – and the President was sure that he would have come across something like this in the reports he got from his place if such an occurrence was commonplace – Hayes stopped, and peered into the lab curiously.

Hammond stopped too and said with a smile as he entered the lab, "This is Major Carter, Mr President, SG-1's scientific expert, and our expert on the Stargate."

Sam got up from her lab table where she appeared to have been working on several projects at once, and she said with a smile as she shook the President's hand, Hayes noticing a screwdriver tucked behind one of her ears, "President Hayes. It's an honour to meet you, Sir."

Hayes replied with a polite smile, "The honour's all mine, believe me, Major." He let go of Sam's hand, and looked at Hammond, "George. What's going on?"

Hammond asked, looking politely puzzled, "What do you mean, Sir?"

"Wasn't she..." He glanced at the Major. "My apologies, Major..." His gaze returned to Hammond. "... Wasn't the Major at the checking point, letting my car in?"

Hammond appeared not to have heard anything as Hayes continued, "And wasn't she serving us at the Commissary? And what about the briefing room where she gave presentations on the science of the Stargate, several Ancient translations, off-world plants, alien weather systems, and the ruins on..."

He glanced at Sam who said with a nod, "P4X-210."

Hayes nodded. "Yes. What's going on?"

Hammond still hadn't appeared to have heard anything as he said, "Mr President, would you like to visit the control room?"

Figuring that he might as well just go along with it for now, Hayes nodded, sighing. "Sure. Let's roll." He turned to say his farewells to the Major, but she had already gone. Funny, he thought, he didn't remember reading about _her_ having an attitude problem. As he and Hammond left the now darkened lab, Hayes asked, noticing not for the first time that there was hardly anyone about,

"Where is everyone, George? If I'm not mistaken, the mountain employs..." He paused as that same blur whizzed past him several times. He cleared his throat, noticing once again that Hammond hadn't appeared to have seen the blur, or was perhaps just ignoring it. He figured that perhaps he should do the same, for now at least. "... the mountain has seven hundred and fifty four people on its payroll, including eighteen SG-teams."

Hammond replied with a proud smile, "That's what I've been trying to explain to you, Mr President. It will all become clearer soon."

Hayes frowned in confusion, even more so as they stopped outside of a room where a man he recognised as Colonel O'Neill stood in the doorway as Major Carter worked hard at a desk. Jack said, exasperated, "Oh come on, Sam, you're always working. The mountain's not gonna stop if you take one day off. Honestly. Come on, watch a game with me."

Sam replied, frowning as her fingers travelled across a clay tablet, "Uh, Jack... of course it will. Haven't you got paperwork to catch up on?"

Hammond cleared his throat and Jack almost jumped out of his skin as he turned around. He then said, offering his hand as Sam straightened up behind her desk inside, "President Hayes."

Hayes nodded. "Colonel O'Neill, I presume."

"As a certain member of my team would say... indeed."

Hayes, curious, asked as Sam resumed working, "Just out of curiosity, where _is_ the rest of your team? I'd like very much to meet Doctor Jackson in particular."

"Indefinite leave, Sir. General Hammond introduced some cost-cutting measures to ensure the base stays within budget every month. I should be on leave too but I was hoping to get Major Carter to take a break."

"Isn't the Major on leave?" Hayes looked at Hammond expectantly.

Hammond replied, "This is part of the plan I was describing, Sir. The way we found to cut costs was to have one person running the entire base, with the aid of one of the Atok armbands that you may have read about."

Hayes frowned. He vaguely recalled reading about armbands influencing the human members of SG-1 to go off-world in a sabotage mission some years previously. He also knew that the team being 'influenced' to do so was also a white lie to save the military members from court martials for disobeying orders. "I thought you had to stop using them because they..."

Jack exchanged a glance with Hammond, who nodded. The Colonel said, "Major Carter did a little tinkering in one of them. She now makes everyone on base obsolete."

Hammond said to Hayes, gesturing to the rest of the corridor, "Sir... if we may..."

The two men continued walking, hearing an argument starting up behind them between the Colonel and the Major. As they turned a corner, Hayes could have sworn that he heard Jack exclaim, "For cryin' out loud, Space Monkey!"

"Jaaack!"

Hayes was about to ask Hammond what sort of an establishment he was running where a commanding officer and his second-in-command could openly take to verbal sparring whilst on duty, when that same yellow and blue blur raced past them, and down the corridor in front of them. Hayes had had enough. "What the hell is that, George?"

Hammond asked, looking at the President curiously, "Sir?" He suddenly looked concerned. "Are you feeling okay?"

Hayes replied, feeling a little overwhelmed as it sank in that a single person was doing everything on base, "Actually... I think I've got a headache coming on."

"Let me escort you to the Infirmary."

"That's okay... I've got some asp..."

"I insist, Sir."

The two men entered a lift, and as the lift doors closed, Hayes once again saw the yellow and blue blur whiz past. He silently hoped that he wasn't losing his marbles. He wasn't even seventy yet.

Minutes later, Hammond escorted him from the lift to the on-base Infirmary, of which Hayes had read a great many good things about. He murmured to himself the names of the medical personnel, hoping that he still remembered them correctly, especially Doctor Janet Frasier, who had done such a lot to further the SGC's understanding of off-world medicine, and different alien physiologies. He was all ready to shake hands as they approached a figure clad in surgical scrubs with her back to them.

Hammond cleared his throat and the figure turned around, lowering her surgical mask – and he noted that Doctor Frasier looked a lot taller than 5ft 1 in real life – revealing none other than the face of Major Carter, once again. What the hell was going on? How could one armband do all this? His last thought before he fell unconscious in shock was that the Infirmary ceiling could do with a fresh coat of pain... seconds before that same yellow and blue blur whizzed across the ceiling, leaving fresh paint in its wake.

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**Next up... the big man from Chulak himself... Teal'c!**


	4. Teal'c

**Cliché #4: It's the Eye of the Hak'tyl, it's the Thrill of the Fight...**

**Season: future**

**Pairings: Sam/Daniel, Cam/Vala, Teal'c/Ish'ta**

**Rating: T (for the violence, and some other things...)**

**A/N: thanks to sylvane for shedding some light on why Paul Davis is still a 'Major' after, what, eight seasons and two films? Mad, I tells ya... mad... lol**

**Is it just me, or this story a little too believable for a cliché? Hope you like it anyway.**

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A much older SG-1, minus Teal'c but with a retired Jack walked into the gateroom of the SGC. Daniel held Sam's hand as Jack cracked joke after joke about the number of times he had been in the gateroom, the action and emergencies that he had seen, and the number of times Daniel had died. As Cam and Vala listened to the former General, laughing at some of the old stories that he regaled them with, Daniel whispered to Sam, looking years younger as he smiled in anticipation of their impending journey as a team,

"I can't wait."

Sam smiled back and she smoothed his hair, tidying stray areas as the others smirked at the scene. "Neither can I... and I can't wait for the day when we can take Jake and twins with us... and Cam and Vala can take Bryce."

Daniel beamed. "That would be great."

On hearing the sound of someone clearing their throat, they both turned to see Cam with his hands over his eyes; Vala with her hands over her ears, and Jack with his hands over his mouth. As Sam chuckled in amusement after a moment, the control room staff looking perplexed and discussing the possibilities of an alien contagion, Daniel remarked,

"Funny..." His eyes moved to Jack. "... and ironic."

Jack poked his tongue out childishly and then retorted, patting him on the back, "Use that razor sharp wit later when you have to deal with all those kiddies of yours."

Everyone's attention was drawn towards Cam and Vala as the former sternly grabbed his wife's wrists in order to prevent her from clipping his hair up with small sparkly hair grips. Cam then looked at their friends as Vala looked smug at having drawn everyone's attention. "What? Never seen a General being attacked by his wife?"

The others stared at him for a moment before Daniel said in reply to Jack's retort as Sam smirked in amusement, "Jaaack... you're not making any more jokes about our kids."

Jack looked at his friend challengingly, and quipped. "Oh yeah? You're just lucky Carter had all those years of running about on and off-world, otherwise any other woman would have trouble walking, let alone managing the base after twenty-five kids." He smirked. "Daniel, you dog."

Sam turned around and tried to hide her bubbling laughter with a series of coughs as Cam and Vala had trouble keeping straight faces. Daniel retorted, looking a little frustrated, "First of all, we have _nine_ children, and second of all..."

Sam went up behind Daniel and rubbed her hands up and down his waist slowly, saying softly in his ear as the others smirked, Jack's eyebrows shooting up, "Ssshh, Daniel... just ignore Jack... he's just being an ass."

Daniel visibly calmed down as Sam looked over his shoulder at Jack meaningfully. The retired General remarked, looking at her semi-reprovingly, "Carter... where did that 'yes sir' attitude go?"

Sam looked about to utter a stinging rebuke when she thought better of it. Her hands still on Daniel's waist as the Archaeologist held them, she looked around at her friends, each of them so much older than their respective first times through the Stargate. She smiled slightly and then looked up at Walter in the control room, "Chief, dial her up!"

Walter nodded as he initiated the dialling process, something which he had done for almost as long as he could remember. As Cam had a little scuffle with his wife when she attempted to gel his hair, Jack remarked, exhaling, "How long do we have to call him _Chief_ for?"

Sam shot him a funny look as Cam replied, fixing Jack with a glare, "Well, we don't have to call him by his title at all, but if you're gonna be funny about it... we can still call him that even when our Chief of Staff appoints him as CMS of the Air Force."

"Liking that certainty. Ol' Walter sure has earned it. Then again, 'Disaster' Davis is still a Major, so who knows what could happen?"

Daniel turned to look at Sam curiously, who said in reply to his expression, "Officers with a JAG posting don't usually get past Major... and it seems to apply to Pentagon liaisons to the SGC too. It's pretty lame considering what that man has done for us, for this planet, but..." She shrugged helplessly.

Jack remarked, looking up at the dialling 'gate along with everyone else, "We should do something about that. He'll get a better pension too... and chicks..."

When the 'gate had kawooshed, Sam put her standard issue hat on and said, "Way ahead of you, Jack. I sent off a letter to the President this morning about it." As they all looked up at the active event horizon, she led them onto the ramp and said with a smile as she glanced at Daniel, "Move out, gang... we're off to Hak'tyl."

When Sam disappeared through the event horizon, Jack put his arm around Daniel and remarked with a smirk, "Oh, the gang's gonna be back together again..."

Daniel looked ready to shoot him a look but he smiled instead and put his own arm around the ex-General, saying, "I've got my camera. You can burst into song when we get there."

Vala piped up from behind them as she held up a piece of shaped clear plastic, "And I've got all six Star Wars on this crystal." Cam stared at his wife as Jack and Daniel exchanged a look before smirking, and Vala continued, looking mildly puzzled, "What? The big guy doesn't get any out with that band of Amazons."

Jack snorted with laughter as Cam and Daniel hid smiles. The former General straightened his hat and remarked with a straight face as he and the rest moved towards the event horizon, "Oh, he gets a lot out there... whether he gets beaten within an inch of his life each time is another thing."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Many hundreds of light years away, Ish'ta, staff weapon in hand, sprinted from a verdant forest, into a clearing. She immediately turned, holding the weapon in front of her chest in a defensive position as she glared angrily at a greying Teal'c as he sprinted towards her from the forest. As he too held his own staff weapon in the same manner, the two Jaffa began to circle each other menacingly, their eyes focussed on one another as they each gauged their opponent's weaknesses.

Teal'c demanded through gritted teeth, "Why must you take offence each time we converse? I cannot even consume a morning meal with you without..."

Ish'ta snapped, glaring at him ferociously, "You may have fought a great many battles, Teal'c of Chulak... you may possess my heart and be the father of my children; you may be the master of your students; you may have commanded the respect of so many of our brothers and sisters... but you are not _my_ master... nor shall you ever be, so do not think that you can control me or that you have authority over me, because believe me when I say that if you _ever_..." She stepped closer to him as he maintained his gaze, controlling his instincts. "... believe otherwise, I will remove your manhood and feed it to the dogs."

By that point, a group of Jaffa of varying ages had gathered at the edge of the clearing, at a safe distance away from the altercation. She pressed her staff against his before quickly tilting hers to one side, attempting to strike a blow. Teal'c, however, stepped back, blocking the blow before they began to exchange violent blows in quick succession, each deftly dodging most of their opponent's. Their growing audience, comprising in part of the two warriors' children and grandchildren, was sure to keep quiet to avoid any part of that collective albeit volatile wrath being directed towards them.

After a brief distraction, Ish'ta had managed to pin Teal'c up against a tree, the female warrior holding her staff weapon across his chest, preventing him from moving his upper body. She remarked with a teasing smile, the gesture tinged with decades of built-up affection, "You spend too much time with those humans, old man."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow at his wife, a small smirk on his lips. "And you underestimate me, Ish'ta of the Hak'tyl."

Quick as a flash, he had regained his staff weapon with a swift kick and struck a blow, which she quickly blocked before cartwheeling into the centre of the clearing. She retorted, fuming, "You are still the same insufferable rogue that I encountered so many years ago."

As they once more exchanged blows, both warriors frequently ducking and doing a variety of flips and cartwheels, Teal'c replied with a grunt as he dealt a blow, "And you strike first and think later, just like you have always done." With one swift motion, he had swept her feet from under her, sending her flying into the dust, her staff falling out of reach.

Teal'c, a little breathless, stood at her side, leaning over his staff. As she glared up at him, he said, his smirk returning, "You are losing your touch, old woman."

She stared up at him and then flipped over, kicking him in the solar plexus, sending him staggering backwards. As she grabbed her staff once again, she retorted enthusiastically, "It is you who is losing touch, old man."

As they continued to battle, exchanging barbs and occasional smouldering looks, the rest of SG-1 and Jack were led to the clearing by a much older looking Ry'ac. As Daniel and Sam flinched and grimaced at the fighting, Vala transfixed in excitement, Jack shook his head in disbelief. Cam remarked, disbelieving too,

"Holy, it's Hak'tyl Smackdown again." He glanced at Jack. "Shouldn't we do something?"

Looking as though he was fighting the urge to tear onto the scene to help his friend, Jack shook his head, his eyes on the action. "No... that is gonna be messy." He smirked briefly with a cock of his head. "Those two are gonna sleep tonight."

Daniel remarked, "I wonder what he said to annoy Ish'ta this time?"

"Hey, you should know... it isn't a conscious thing with us battle vets."

Still fighting, and coming up with imaginative Jaffa swear words, Teal'c leapt out of the way from another blow from Ish'ta's staff, and he noticed his friends. He regarded them with a smile, a cautious eye on his wife who was about to charge him. "O'Neill... DanielJackson... GeneralJackson, GeneralMitchell... ValaMitchell... I am pleased that you are here. Please... make yourselves at home."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Not helping you with the missus though. What the hell did you do?"

SG-1 and Jack quickly backed away as Ish'ta charged their friend, and Teal'c leapt to the side, fending off her attacks as he replied, shouting to be heard, "Ish'ta has been increasingly volatile recently!"

Ish'ta retorted, knocking him onto his back once again, "And there is a reason!" SG-1 and Jack exchanged guarded smirks at this, and Teal'c struggled to stand up.

"I have not once debased or belittled you!"

"And yet you still do!"

Just as Jack decided to step in, the former General recoiling from a growing headache, Teal'c raised his hands as Ish'ta pushed him onto his back again. The two Jaffa held each other's gaze for a long moment before Ish'ta threw her staff aside and helped him up. "Get up, old man."

"There is nothing stopping me from throwing you clear into the forest, old woman."

Ish'ta smiled at him fondly. "It is not like you to announce your tactics in advance."

Teal'c smiled back and took her hand as the female Jaffa helped him up and dusted him off. As the crowd, sensing that it was safe to do so, approached, Teal'c grabbed Ish'ta by the wrist and roughly dragged her in the direction of some wooden houses as Ry'ac and other adult Jaffa looked awkward before dispersing the crowd. Noticing this, SG-1 and Jack looked at Daniel, who replied, grimacing a little,

"I'd, uh... give them a couple of hours. Let's go see Ry'ac and Kar'yn."


	5. Cam

**Cliché #5: Thank God I'm a Country Boy**

**Season: 9 (very AU start to Avalon; so AU that SG-1 is still more or less SG-1... and now the whole team organisation thing doesn't make any sense... but hey...)**

**Pairing: Team Friendship, Sam/Daniel**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: Title's from a John Denver song. Thanks to Entropic Cascade for me now feeling compelled to get this posted instead of getting really distracted.**

**Sorry for not posting this earlier – got side-tracked by the Devil Wears Prada. lol**

**And I would like to apologise in advance to everyone south of the Mason-Dixon Line.**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c sat at the briefing table, waiting for the new commanding officer of the base, General Landry to brief them on the identity of the fourth member of SG-1. As the minutes dragged on while the General sat in his office, talking on the phone and apparently oblivious to his new flagship team's growing boredom, Daniel made a paper-clip chain as Sam eyed his handiwork jealously**. **Teal'c, however, sat patiently, tuning out the passing of time as Bra'tac had taught him over a century before. It had long since turned out useful on numerous occasions, for instance, while travelling tedious intergalactic distances without a working hyper drive... or while watching Jack O'Neill indulge in a spot of fishing.

Daniel asked distractedly as he fiddled with his paper-clip chains, attempting to make them into different shapes, "Any idea who this new guy is?"

Sam watched him, fighting a growing urge to smack him across the head and show him how to make a much bigger sculpture than he was currently managing. She replied as she clenched her fists while Teal'c regarded her with guarded curiosity, "Uh, well, General O'Neill said that it was Cam, but I'm not sure... I mean, he doesn't have much SG-team experience. Great F-302 pilot though. Saved our lives."

Daniel nodded in agreement as Teal'c inclined his head in agreement also. The former said with a little frown as he fiddled a little more with his paper-clips, "Jack does have an odd sense of humour."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Indeed."

Daniel continued as Sam clenched her fists tighter, "I mean, he's got no field experience and has never been through a Stargate before..." He looked up, noticing that Sam and Teal'c were looking at him oddly. He frowned again. "What?"

Sam and Teal'c exchanged a glance before the former replied with a shrug, "Nothing." She sighed. "I find it difficult to imagine General O'Neill giving anyone..."

Daniel suddenly asked, straight-faced at first before he eventually smirked, "Why do you refer to him by his title? He's not here, and I won't tell." Teal'c looked at him challengingly for being excluded from Daniel's remark. Daniel shot him an apologetic look. "... and neither will Teal'c." When Teal'c's expression didn't change, Daniel added as Sam hid a smile, "_Especially_ Teal'c." Teal'c finally smiled a little and nodded, now satisfied.

Daniel looked back at Sam who replied with a shrug, "It's too weird. He's always been 'Colonel', 'General' or 'Sir'."

"Well, at least I know where I stand."

Any chance for further bantering was cut short when the General's office door opened, and Landry emerged. Sam was about to get to her feet to stand to attention when Landry waved, signalling for her to remain seated. She nodded, and the General seated himself at the head of the table. His fingers interlocked, he rested his forearms on the table surface as he regarded each of them.

"Jack and George both say that you are the best of the best, and I am inclined to believe them. The reports have been..." He cocked his head briefly and smirked faintly. "... eye-opening and enlightening to say the least." He regarded them gruffly. "But that doesn't mean you're on Easy Street here."

Daniel raised his hand briefly. "Uh, Sir?" Landry looked at him, and the Archaeologist asked, glancing at Sam and Teal'c, "What about our new member?"

The General corrected him. "You mean, 'team lead'."

Daniel appeared confused. "That's Sam... and we've already had her in command for a year."

"Not any more." Landry looked at a surprised Sam. "You have a co-command, Colonel."

Teal'c's eyebrow shot up as Daniel appeared flabbergasted, and more than a little annoyed. Sam replied, forcing herself to be polite, "With all due respect, Sir... it's my command. General O'Neill and the International Oversight Committee conducted an exhaustive review of my tenure so far, and there's been no problem."

"But Jack allowed you to be in command of the team, overlooking the fact that you and Doctor Jackson are married."

Sam closed her eyes as she hung her head in defeat. Daniel, however, said, looking at the General challengingly, "And we've proved ourselves."

"Not to me, you haven't. What did I just say about Easy Street? Until you've proved to me satisfactorily that you and Colonel Jackson can work together, and behave appropriately in combat and other off- and on-world situations, without bringing _home_ into it..." Landry turned to look at Sam. "... you are hereby officially under the command of Colonel Cameron Mitchell..."

Sam, forgetting herself, exclaimed as Daniel appeared confused while Teal'c debated whether he was experiencing a very powerful hallucination or alternate universe off-world, "Him?! With all respect Sir, he's... he's..."

Everyone's gazes were drawn to the doorway where Cam leaned, dressed in a plaid workshirt and jeans, a grass stalk in the corner of his mouth. He removed the stalk and remarked in a heavy southern drawl, "... a Country boy?" He pushed himself off the door frame and entered the room as Landry smiled nervously at him in greeting. Cam patted him roughly on the shoulder. "Hey, how's it goin', General?"

Cam took a seat next to Daniel, patting the Archaeologist roughly on the back. Daniel's paperclip sculpture was promptly distorted, and Teal'c took the opportunity to grab it before passing it under the table to Sam. The Astrophysicist smiled briefly as she fiddled with it, her attention then drawn back to Cam again as Daniel scowled when the newcomer ruffled his hair.

Cam grinned at Sam. "Hey! _Samantha_! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes..."

Sam appeared a little awkward as Daniel glared at Cam. "Uh... hey, Cam..."

His gaze moved to Teal'c. "And T! This like a high school reunion! Man. How're you doin', big guy?"

Teal'c stared at him coldly and Cam reclined in his chair, his feet now resting on the briefing room table with a thud, giving Sam a full view of the soles of his Timberland boots. Landry cleared his throat and was about to rebuke Cam when he stopped, aghast, when, from seemingly nowhere, a crate of Budweiser appeared on the table near Cam's boots.

As Landry, Sam and Daniel stared at him in downright shock, Teal'c's eyebrow appeared to surpass previous height records for said facial feature. Cam used the edge of the table to flick the lid off of his beer, asking as he looked at Daniel, "Want one?"

Daniel replied, glancing at Landry in confusion, "Uh... no, thanks... What..."

Before Daniel could finish what he was about to say, Cam took a long drag from his beer, and then remarked with an exasperated expression, looking at the General, "_Please_ tell me that you have biscuits in this place. You know I can't work on an empty stomach."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Dear God... I am really sorry.**

**Anyway... next up... Vala!**


	6. Vala

**Cliché #6: Vala, the Fastest Nymphomaniacal Kleptomaniac in the West...**

**Season: Future**

**Pairing: Sam/Daniel, Cam/Vala**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: kinda similar to the last Sam cliché, but with a big enough twist of Vala-ness to make it distinct... hopefully...**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The front door opened slightly. It opened a little more, and Daniel's head tentatively appeared, the Archaeologist peeking into the house. After a moment's hesitation, the door opened some more again and he quickly slipped in, his back to the hallway wall. Soon afterwards, Sam's head appeared in the same manner, the Astrophysicist entering the house quicker as Daniel nodded at her that it was clear so far. Sam whispered in his ear as he prevented her from going past him into the lounge,

"She might not be home."

Daniel peeked into the lounge, sighting Cam appearing to be napping in an armchair. "You have a point... Mitchell's asleep."

They cautiously entered the room together, where Sam also saw SG-1's leader. She remarked fondly, "Aww, he looks pretty cute."

Daniel looked at her, affronted. Sam affectionately patted his shoulder, smiling. "You are beyond 'pretty cute' to me... don't worry."

Still frowning a little, he nodded. "Good."

Amused, she kissed him on the cheek, and then said softly, glancing around the living room, "Hm. I don't think she is home. Come on..." She reached for Daniel's hand as she tugged him in the direction of the kitchen. "... let's go do something while No-Pants Mitchell naps."

Daniel couldn't help but snort with laughter at the name that she had bestowed on their CO, and she nudged him, whispering as she pulled him straight into the kitchen, "He'll wake up... and that would be mean. The poor man probably hasn't slept in..."

Sam stopped talking as they both froze on hearing a groan from the living room. Cam's sleepy voice then called in reply to what Sam had been saying, "... a month. Feels like it anyhow." He paused, sounding a little cranky. "Didn't anyone ever tell you guys that you whisper louder than the 'gate siren? And if you're making out in there, you're stopping right now unless you're planning on making it a team activity."

He appeared in the doorway, looking a little confused and bleary-eyed. Sam, looking guilty as Daniel remained impassive, said, "Sorry, Cam. We were gonna wait for you to wake up."

"Well, your boy's awake. What do you want?" Cam frowned as he looked past them and then behind himself. "Hey, where's T?"

Daniel replied, glancing at Sam as he feigned seriousness, "We drew straws... Sam lost."

Sam shot Daniel a glare before saying to Cam, concerned, "We need to do something about Vala, Cam... We didn't want to say anything because she's family, and you guys are married but..."

Daniel continued as Sam trailed off, appearing awkward, "... It's getting worse. Teal'c lost his new special edition Star Wars chess set... complete with bonus Chewbacca figurine... I've never seen the man so upset."

Cam glared at Daniel defensively. "And you automatically assume that Vala did it?"

Sam replied when Daniel looked at her, "No... it was caught on the surveillance footage of the Commissary last night. I slowed it down around the time of the theft, and Vala can be clearly seen taking it." She smiled briefly. "It's quite brilliant actually... I mean, I had to slow it down more than the extant technology could, which involved jury rigging..."

Daniel nudged her and she smiled, embarrassed as she looked down. She murmured, "Sorry," before looking up again and continuing, "Anyway, what we're here for... we need you to talk to Vala. I know you've been in denial about it, but the fact of the matter is that she is behind the recent spate of minor thefts on base... and in our homes too. We think that Vala may have a problem but she doesn't see it as that."

Cam sighed tiredly. "I guess I had to face it someday, I..."

Suddenly a black blur accompanied by a strong gust of wind whizzed and blew through the kitchen, stunning all present. Sam instinctively raised her left hand and gasped in shock, "My engagement ring!"

Daniel quickly patted his pockets, stopping when he had reached the back pocket of his jeans. He frowned, now looking angry. "My wallet!"

Cam, glancing downwards, turned away out of embarrassment. A lazy smile on his face, he then said, feeling even more tired as he stumbled back into the living room, back to his armchair, "You know what, guys... I think I'll nap some more. You guys..." He trailed off as he fell asleep, snores now audible as Sam and Daniel glanced at each other in confusion and then embarrassment.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

_Next up... themes... well, immediately next, a theme... lol_


	7. Realisations, and Jaffa Omniscience

**Cliché #7: Sam and Daniel get their acts together... but Teal'c's not surprised...**

**Season: 7**

**Pairing: Sam/Daniel**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: I'm not too sure about this one... lol**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Daniel was hard at work in his office on base, fervently scribbling down notes as he went through several books sequentially. He had not long got his memories back, or at least most of them, and it was easier to get back into the swing of things when the swinging part took his mind off most of the pain that also returned with the memories. And of course, there was a Lost City to find. That was certainly motivation to remain focussed and immersed in his work.

All appeared to be going well until he began to frown as inappropriate thoughts resurfaced. After a number of albeit unsuccessful attempts to regain his focus, he threw his pen down in frustration and rubbed his face with his hands. It had been a long day. Maybe he should have listened to Jack's demands that he finally go home... however many hours previously that had been. He wasn't even sure if it had been during the same day... or even week.

Despite not remembering his time among the Ascended, except for tiny snippets which went on to enable the rescue of Bra'tac and Ry'ac from Erebus, Daniel began to feel comparatively inadequate in human form. He felt as though he was limited somehow by his corporeality which seemed so fragile now.

But that wasn't his main gripe right now.

Right now, what was impeding his work progress, and admittedly his insanity, was indeed of a personal nature however. He sighed as he looked up at the ceiling, the beginnings of tears in his eyes. It was easy for him to think that he hadn't been away for long... but in truth, he had been gone a year. A long time.

Too long perhaps to admit that he was finally ready despite what had happened to him. He had to admit that what had happened to him had helped him somewhat; helped him to put the time before into perspective; helped him to mature, and gave him a new zeal, a fresh outlook and drive. It also had its downsides too, because the process of transformation, from his death, to his Ascension, back to being human again, had taken too long for him to get what he really wanted now... what he was now certain about.

Okay, so a year was nothing in the grand scheme of things... but while he had been gone, life had carried on. He had even been replaced... and Sam appeared to have liked his replacement. The thought admittedly made him feel jealous of the bonds that Jonas had made during his tenure on the team.

He knew that his friends had missed him in varying degrees. He suspected, somewhat depreciatingly however, that Sam's account had been exaggerated a little.

But he had to know. He remembered some of the time before he had died. He hadn't said anything to her because of his inner turmoil and guilt. Ascending, and then Descending had helped him to deal with his guilt and pain. It had also taught him a few lessons; including how life was short and unpredictable, as he had already experienced. If he died again, she would never know... even if she didn't feel the same way, he felt it better to get it out in the open than to hide again. Sam was, after all, the only person he had been able to share anything with.

Filled with determination, as well as apprehension, Daniel left his office. There were things he had to say. He rehearsed the impending conversation in his head, grimacing a little at each attempt, not liking how it was playing. He finally realised that he had no idea whether she was actually still in the mountain. It was late... and it suddenly became rather an attractive idea to go and find her, wherever she may be.

Okay, he needed to step back and reassess things. This was just getting nuts. He turned on his heel just as he had reached the lifts, telling himself that it was a bad idea despite it seeming rather a good idea too.

As he did so, however, he almost walked straight into Sam. Surprised, he said as she too stared at him in surprise, "Sam! Uh... I was just..."

Sam licked her lower lip nervously. "I was just coming to see you."

He frowned. "I didn't see you come out of the elevator."

She smiled shyly as they walked towards his office. "Yeah. That's because I did about an hour ago."

He frowned once again, confused. "An hour?"

"Yeah. The thing is, Daniel..." She paused as they entered his office, and she closed the door behind him. She gestured for him to sit and he did so, watching her in guarded curiosity. "I don't know how to tell you this, but I guess I'm gonna have to." She pressed her lips together briefly as she leaned against the closed door and she said, "Okay, Daniel... please don't say anything. Just listen. It's not easy for me."

Daniel looked as though he was going to say something but he chose not to, now worried about her general demeanour and what was on her mind. He nodded and she sighed, nodding as she looked at the floor. "Okay." She swallowed nervously, and then spoke quickly before she could persuade herself not to, "Right. I've come to realise that I do have feelings for you that are more than friendship; _considerably_ more than friendship. Truth be told, I don't know how to deal with them. I know you've got a lot to deal with, and I'm sorry for dropping all of this at your doorstep right now. It's just that..." Sam looked up at him, tears in her eyes as he appeared stunned. "I spent that whole year wishing that there had been more between us, that I'd had the courage to tell you how I felt. When you asked me whether there had been anything between us, I... it brought it all back. I guess I just had to tell you in case we don't survive this quest for the Lost City. I'm sorry."

A tearful Sam now turned, opening the door as she made to flee back to her lab when Daniel mentally shook himself. He called as he got to his feet, "Sam! Wait!"

Sam reluctantly re-appeared in the doorway, some hope in her eyes. Daniel approached her and said softly as he hesitantly stroked her cheek, "Sam... I was coming to tell you the same thing." He appeared scared, now officially giving his heart to the first person since Sha're who wasn't a rebound... although he knew that Sam had already had it. "I've had trouble dealing with it too... and what scares me is that I never said anything to you before I died... and if I died again, you wouldn't have known."

As Sam looked up at him surprise, he continued, "You don't have to ask for my heart, Sam. You already had it."

She turned away from him, now crying, and he led her into his office again, wanting to give her some privacy. He was about to offer her a tissue when she hugged him tightly. With an arm around her, he dried her eyes as she eventually looked up at him, and she said, looking scared that perhaps she was dreaming, "I can't believe it. As for you, Daniel Jackson..." She smiled as she sniffed back more tears. "You had at me 'hello'."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Teal'c and Jack neared Daniel's office, the Colonel intending to pay a visit to the Archaeologist to scold him for overworking. Without knocking, as Teal'c stopped, turning away with a small smile, Jack opened the door, remarking quietly, "For cryin' out loud, Daniel, at least go home once a wee..."

The words died on his lips, the door handle in his hand as he stared at the sight before him. Daniel and Sam, completely oblivious to his presence, were intimately curled up together in a chair, talking quietly and smiling a lot. Jack blinked in surprise as they kissed and Daniel suddenly looked serious as he held a black velvet box in his hand as he gazed at a suddenly stunned Sam.

Jack closed the door as quietly as he could manage, and he exclaimed quietly, "What the hell was that?!" He turned to glare at Teal'c, who hadn't batted an eyelid at the sight. Jack jabbed a thumb in the direction of Daniel's office. "You know anything about that?"

Teal'c replied, his face a blank mask, "I had surmised that this event would transpire."

"You know... a little advance warning would have been good." Teal'c raised an eyebrow as they heard giggling and groans from behind Daniel's door. Jack remarked, unable to believe what was happening, "Okay... I'm gonna have a word with the two of them about professional conduct." He looked as though he was going to open the door again when he grimaced, hesitating. He then shook his head and walked away with Teal'c. "Maybe tomorrow..."

"At least you have material for extortion purposes now."

Jack, still stunned by what he had witnessed, wondered how he had missed the signs that Teal'c obviously must have spotted. He had to wonder though how Teal'c always seemed to know such things though. "Yeah. Let's just hope these guys manage to finish up before someone else gets an earful."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Next up... some slash... maybe... ;o)**


	8. Jack and Daniel

**Cliché #8: Jack wants to spend the day at Camp Daniel**

**Season: 8-ish**

**Pairing: Jack/Daniel**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: never written full blown slash before, so here goes, lol... **

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Jack sat at his desk, trying to remain the professional General. However, it was very hard to maintain said façade when there were nimble and quite capable hands kneading his shoulder muscles. Eventually relaxing a little, he said, his eyes closed as he hoped the masseuse in question would be as stubborn as ever, "Daniel... there's a window in front of us"

Daniel, concentrating on his task, quipped, "It's only a shoulder rub, Jack... and you are highly stressed." He raised his eyebrows suggestively, referencing an X Files episode that they had watched the previous night. "No-one down here except life's most unwanted."

Jack groaned as Daniel rubbed harder, and he retorted, "I thought you were bad enough drunk..."

"You weren't complaining last night." Daniel paused in thought. "Actually, no, you wouldn't shut up... like that's out of the ordinary."

Jack chuckled softly. "Yeah... look who's talkin', Space Monkey." He whimpered a little and then exclaimed, glaring up at the Archaeologist, "Hey! You're not making bread. Jeez. I'm gonna be sore for a month."

Daniel rolled his eyes as he dusted his hands and perched on the desk, facing Jack. The General said grumpily as he rubbed a shoulder, "I didn't say 'stop'."

"Oh, I'm tired of you moaning. Let's go do something."

Jack looked at him testily. "Daniel..."

Daniel raised an eyebrow at Jack challengingly. "Jack..."

The Archaeologist folded his arms across his chest. He smirked and then said defiantly, "Fine. I'll just go shopping with Sam. I spend way too much time with you anyway." He smiled dreamily, his voice growing camper. "Oh, there's this adorable azure top at Macy's which is just screaming Sam. I'm going to get it as an early birthday present for her. It would be perfect with those Manolo Blahniks I got her last week, and, oh..."

Jack grimaced as Daniel rattled on. He remarked, looking uncomfortable, "You know, I don't know how Carter was surprised when you came out to her."

Daniel replied, looking at Jack meaningfully, "Well, _some_ people _don't_ divide the world up into 'gay', and '... alright'."

Jack frowned, looking annoyed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you can be pretty narrow-minded."

"Well, you can be a little flaky on a good day."

Daniel smiled at Jack affectionately. "Oh, that's not going to make me mad this time around." He leaned forward and planted a kiss on Jack's lips. "Makes me hot, yes, but not mad."

Jack looked dazed for a moment before he got to his feet, and grabbed Daniel by the waist. Clear cerulean eyes with their own pain stared into pain shrouded eyes of brown. Daniel placed his hands on Jack's chest, murmuring, mesmerised by the proximity of their bodies, and Jack's very obvious arousal, "It doesn't take a lot to push you over the edge, does it?"

One of Jack's hands slowly slipped underneath the fabric of Daniel's trousers, making him gasp. Daniel shut his eyes, leaning his head back with a groan as Jack began to nibble at the expanse of bared neck before him. Jack remarked eventually, a cheeky smirk on his face, "Only because I let you." He grabbed Daniel's hand, the Archaeologist staring at him once again. "Come on, screw the little shopping trip with your girlfriend." Jack led the Archaeologist out of the office, making sure that there was no-one in the briefing room and beyond. "You can always do it tomorrow. Let's see if we can find my quarters before you start giving the women at the SGC even nicer dreams."

Daniel glanced down at himself and blushed. He joked as they began to run, wincing a little, "This wasn't in the job description."


	9. Interrupting

**Cliché #9: Daniel Interruptus**

**Season: whenever**

**Pairings: Sam/Daniel, Sam/Jack, Jack/Daniel, Cam/Daniel, Cam/Vala, Teal'c/Vala, Cam/Carolyn**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: thanks to Entropic Cascade for suggesting the cliché for this installment**

**On the slash front... it's just tiny, implied bits. You know, the type that if you blink, you'd miss it.**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Sam stared at Jack as he told her the words that she had dreamt about so many times; in so many different circumstances and situations. Until now, she never truly knew how she would feel. But now she did. She was excited and terrified at the same time. She looked down at her hands for a moment before meeting his hopeful gaze.

"Oh, Sir..." She smiled shyly when he gently reproved her, and she glanced downwards again. "Jack. This is... well..." She raised an eyebrow briefly. She then looked at him once again. "... unexpected." She continued hurriedly, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. "... in a good way! In a good way. It's just... you know..."

She shrugged, and he nodded, understanding. So much time, so much unsaid. But now the unsaid was said, and all that time had not been wasted. He smiled at her fondly. "I get it, Carter." He grabbed her by the waist and said gruffly as he dragged her possessively towards him, "Come here."

She almost giggled in delight, overcome with joy as they gazed into each other's eyes. "Like I would do anything else."

He smoothed her jaw and her eyes fluttered closed as she relished the feel of the caress. She gazed up at him again as his face slowly moved towards hers, and she closed her eyes again, her arms around his shoulders as she stood on tip-toe, ready to meet him halfway. She was just beginning to imagine what their first kiss would feel like, when suddenly the door of her lab burst open.

Daniel entered, apparently oblivious to the scene, his arms bearing reams of paper and files. "Uh, Sam... I need you to check out..." He looked up and stopped talking on seeing Jack and Sam, still holding each other, stare back at him in surprise. Suddenly feeling very sad as he put two and two together, he said softly, "Oh."

He glared before leaving the lab, muttering an indistinct apology. Sam and Jack stared at where he had been and then at each other. Jack remarked, looking confused as Sam suddenly appeared awkward, "So, who's he gonna kill?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Daniel stood outside of the locker-room, a stopwatch in hand, his back pressed against the wall adjacent to the door. He grimaced as he thought of the scene that he had just witnessed in Sam's lab. He then forced himself to focus, glancing at the stopwatch and attempting to look casual when passers-by regarded him oddly. He smirked a little as he put the stopwatch away in his pocket, and he cleared his throat before pushing the door open.

He stomped past Cam and Vala, who, up until then, had been in a passionate clinch. As Daniel took an inordinate amount of time noisily moving things about in his locker, appearing to look for something, the lovers stared at him in incredulity. They exchanged a glance, looking quite annoyed at having their private moment interrupted so callously. Cam remarked irritably,

"Jackson, not that I don't mind you dropping in... but..."

Vala folded her arms across her chest; partially in order to make a point, and partially for modesty's sake as she had lost her top in the earlier frenzy. She regarded a surprised Daniel coldly. "How ironic... after repeatedly insisting I learn to knock before entering your office..."

Cam glared at Daniel, the fury in his eyes suggesting that the Archaeologist leave immediately, or that he would face dire consequences. "What are you staring at?"

Daniel gulped and then shook his head, looking away from the rather dishevelled Colonel. "Uh... nothing... nothing. I was just looking for... something."

Cam regarded Vala sceptically as he remarked, looking impatient, "Huh, can you believe that... the man who lives in that Lost Ark that he calls an office, and who probably can't remember where his house is or whether he even _has_ a house, is looking for something in his locker..."

Vala nodded, looking serious as she looked back at Cam. "Yes, well, _that_ man isn't very good when it comes to beefies."

Cam muttered in correction, "That's... porkies..."

"Oh, you humans with your carnivorous turns of phrase..." She smirked as she looked back at a now awkward looking Daniel. "So... come to join in?"

Cam glared at Vala reprovingly as she winked at him. Daniel almost ran from the locker room as he replied, "Uh... not with you."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Teal'c regarded Vala fondly as she sat on the floor opposite him in his quarters. He opened his hand and the candlelight caught something metallic in his palm. Vala's breath hitched in her throat, and her eyes widened. She had watched enough television, and read enough books to know what was about to happen... or at least what would likely happen.

The Jaffa said softly, "There is a tradition among the Tau'ri... and for this, it is customary to kneel before you. I, however, will not as my knees have not fully healed from..."

Looking impatient, she rolled her eyes. "Oh, get on with it, Muscles!"

He opened his mouth to speak when suddenly the door flew open, harsh light from the corridor bathing them both, destroying the dusky, calm environment that they had been in. Daniel came rushing through the door, stopping in his tracks and looking rather guilty on seeing Teal'c and Vala look up at him reprovingly. He smiled sheepishly. "Uh... sorry... was just looking for..."

Teal'c seemed to get to his feet in one swift, fluid motion. In the next second, he was holding Daniel by his shirt against the wall as Vala looked on, rather perturbed. He spoke quietly, his words, however, nonetheless threatening. "DanielJackson... do not feign innocence. You knew that ValaMalDoran was within my quarters... and you do not have anything that belongs to you here. You will explain yourself."

Daniel simply gulped as he stared back at the Jaffa, noting the almost maniacal gleam in his eyes.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Cam leaned against a gurney in the Infirmary as Carolyn pretended to look busy, flipping through notes and writing down things. The Colonel folded his arms across his chest, saying, "So... I got tickets to some show on Broadway. Jackson was gonna come with but he's working. I figured you might..." He offered her his best smile. "There's a fancy restaurant in the bargain too. New York's full of them."

Carolyn looked up at him briefly and raised an eyebrow. She remarked, a mischievous sparkle in her eyes, "And I know a Colonel who is full of it." She smirked mysteriously as he looked at him once again. "Is that the best that you can do. Come on, Cameron... you can do better than that."

He half-glared at her. "Dinner and Broadway... on _my_ salary? Honey, I know me and the guys manage to save the world every once in a while somehow, but the pay isn't all that great." He sighed. "Baby, look... I gotta show your Dad that I'm serious about you... about _us_."

She put the folder that she had been holding onto the gurney. She appeared indignant. "I'm not a teenager. I don't need _his_ permission... and you shouldn't have to look for his approval."

"Well, he is in charge of this base... and he is my CO. If only he knew about the nights..."

She folded her arms across her chest, the doctor looking rather tight-lipped. "Yes, that's quite enough from you... _Colonel_. My Nurses alone could bring a person's otherwise good reputation to its knees within seconds."

He smirked. "So I'll get a coupl'a Ninja gossip Nurses on my back..."

"Where did you learn to speak like that?"

Cam frowned. "What are you talkin' about?"

"You know what I mean... those colourful expressions of yours."

"It's a Southern thing, what can I say." He paused. "Actually, no... I'm not spreading the credit. It's a _me_ thing."

Carolyn asked coyly as she approached him, forgetting just where she was, "So... what other unique talents do you have?"

He ducked his head in embarrassment. "Aww... I think I've already shown you some of 'em."

They stared at each other, and were about to kiss, when Daniel entered the scene. He said, apparently oblivious to what was going on, "Hey, Carolyn... you got a minute?"

Cam sighed and raised his eyes to the ceiling in barely concealed frustration as Carolyn immediately turned to Daniel. However, the Colonel's anger was forgotten on seeing the bruises and welts on the Archaeologist's face, and he asked, shocked, "What the hell happened to you?"

Daniel grimaced a little. "Teal'c... and Vala did." He paused, noticing Cam and Carolyn's shocked expressions. "Uh... yeah, long story."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Landry stood behind his desk, looking rather the worse for wear. He had just met with some IOA representatives, an occasion which usually left him feeling the need to run away to Minnesota. If only he hadn't rented out Jack's cabin to seasonal game hunters. That said, he had rarely found time to visit it around his work commitments and patching up things with his estranged wife... so it made little sense to leave the place unoccupied.

Walter entered the office with a pile of folders. The Sergeant said as he placed them down on the desk, "Sir, these are the reports for the new recruits that you wanted."

Landry nodded in acknowledgement, and he exhaled. "Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?"

Walter frowned a little in confusion. "Uh... what does, Sir?"

"The IOA... they must get kicks out of doing what they do sometimes. Right now..." He crossed the index and middle fingers of one hand, and raised it for a moment. "... the IOA and Marines are like _this_ to me. After everything they've done..." He appeared confused on noticing that Walter repeatedly glanced down in the direction of his trousers. The General remarked teasingly, "What, my flies are undone?"

Walter appeared awkward. "Sort of, Sir... you've actually got a shirt tail caught in them."

Landry looked down. "Ah..."

Walter went behind the General's desk. "It's okay, Sir... I'll have that sorted for you in a jiffy."

Landry, embarrassed, said, "No... thanks... I'm fine."

However, Walter immediately dropped to his knees, going about removing a shirt tail peeking out from the zip of the General's trousers. Landry protested for a little while before resignedly letting Walter get on with it. He glanced at the window nervously.

Daniel, meanwhile, had returned from a mission with his friends. He was highly relieved to be home, where he and Sam were married, and where Teal'c would never lay a finger on him. He swore never to use a Quantum mirror again, no matter how tempting it had been to observe and cause a little mischief in other universes. He grimaced as he touched his swollen cheek. There were just some things that shouldn't be meddled with... not, as he noted to himself, that that would ever really stop him.

He walked into the briefing room and tapped on the General's door. He opened the door without waiting for an answer, and then stared in shock at the scene before him. Feeling very awkward, he quickly closed the door again and hurried away from the scene. Meddling aside, he really had to learn to knock on doors before entering a room... _and_ to wait for an answer before doing so.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Next up... something else... ;o)**


	10. Get it On

**Cliché #10: Sam and Daniel get it on**

**Season: 10**

**Pairing: Sam/Daniel**

**Rating: M**

**A/N: an homage of sorts to all the fics out there unashamedly using clichés by the bucketload when our favourite twosome get down to business**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"'... _swiftly, he sank into her depths with a throaty groan, bludgeoning_...'"

Daniel's expressive reading voice was interrupted by Sam suddenly snorting with laughter as she looked up at him, her head resting his lap. He looked down at her with a fond smile as she continued to laugh. He shrugged, feigning innocence as his eyes flitted to the laptop balanced on his other knee. "Before you ask, yes, that's exactly what it says." He shuddered briefly. "You've got to wonder about the people who write this sort of stuff."

All Sam could say, the Colonel laughing so hard now that she was in tears, was, "But... _bludgeoning_?! What was he doing... killing the poor woman? Oh dear God..."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Sam... it isn't _that_ funny..."

She sighed, still laughing a little. "Sorry... it just reminded me of teaching Teal'c how to play Cluedo all those years ago." She then proceeded to do an impersonation of Teal'c. "'_It was ColonelO'Neill in the gateroom with his infuriating manner which is the bane of every System Lord in the galaxy_.'"

She started laughing again when she thought of their Jaffa team-mate's numerous linguistic misappropriations, deliberate or otherwise. Daniel chuckled and then looked impatient. "Sam..."

"Sorry." She chuckled briefly and then smiled at him sweetly. "Carry on, Doctor Jackson."

Now unable to stop smiling, Daniel continued to read from the laptop screen. "'... _**bludgeoning**__ his way to her very core. She gasped with each excavation, each foray_...'"

Daniel blinked and trailed off, staring at the words before him with an eyebrow raised in scepticism. Before an amused Sam could ask him what had caught his eye, he remarked wryly, looking about ready to rearrange each sentence, "_Excavation_? Is he conducting an archaeological dig?" He smirked as he looked down at Sam, who was laughing once again. "I've got to admit, the preliminary geophysical survey would have been interesting to say the least..."

She gently hit his shoulder chidingly, and then said, still chuckling, "Well, it's progression... when these guys kissed, we're in mutual agreement that the narrative sounded like a dental examination."

He was about to resume reading when he did a double-take as he realised what Sam had said. He looked down at her, his eyebrows raised. "Colonel-Doctor... are you saying archaeologists start off as dentists?"

Her expression mirrored his until she smirked a moment later. "Are you saying they don't?"

He looked up at the ceiling in feigned exasperation. "Oh, and I thought I was the fruitcake at this dance." She started laughing yet again, and he looked down at her, now truly exasperated. "What?"

She shook her head a little. "Nothing. It's just that when you're around General O'Neill, you're more sarcastic... now after hanging out with Cam, you're picking up his colourful way of speaking."

He groaned. "Don't make me do an impersonation of Mitchell again... I think Carolyn's only just picking herself up off the Infirmary floor."

She grinned up at him cheekily. "Well, you have that effect on most women... and some men, Doctor Jackson." She gently whacked his shoulder. "Now, come on, finish reading. I don't think I've laughed this much in a while."

He chuckled softly, his cheeks reddening. "Oh, but you have." He cleared his throat, and continued reading with a very serious frown to prevent himself from laughing. "'... _with each excavation, each foray into the previously unchartered. Major Monroe was already aware of Doctor Levant's many talents, which had saved the team on so many occasions, on and off-world... but this was different. This was a whole new level of talents that she hadn't known he had possessed..._'" Daniel grimaced. "Eww."

Sam chuckled in amusement on seeing the distasteful look on his face. She asked, "What is it?"

Daniel, looking a little annoyed, replied, "Well, aside from the fact that the author should consider majoring in Tautology, or minoring... how many women on the receiving end during sex marvel about the talents of the man? This is just... weird... like hero worship or something."

She held his hand to her cheek as she closed her eyes, and she smirked. "Yeah. You're right. The marvelling more often than not comes afterwards when your senses aren't being overloaded."

He reddened in embarrassment and smiled a little, the archaeologist secretly pleased. However, he said in a sceptical tone of voice, "Yeah." After a moment of reflection, which for Daniel meant indulging his ego, he asked with a sigh, "Why are we reading this anyway?"

Sam shrugged and smiled as she gazed up at him. "Well, we wanted to see whether those rumours were true about Doctor Balinsky having a fan fiction dot net account."

He raised his eyebrows. "_You_ wanted to."

"Same difference." She grinned. "Come on, Daniel, you were just as curious as I was!"

He shrugged a little in defeat. "Well... at least it's better written than some of other stuff out there. You'd think they'd know how to use their word processor dictionary." When Sam made a face, he continued, "It's not so bad... I like adding new words to it."

She smirked in amusement. "Well, you would." She yawned a little and stretched. "Are we near the end yet?"

He gazed down at her teasingly. "What... I thought you wanted to hear more of these clichés..."

She groaned and then glared at him. "They miss the mark by light years and you know it... although this pairing's much better than Major Monroe and Colonel Danning..." She scrunched up her face. "That seemed forced."

He smiled down at her. "We're near the end." He then continued to read from the laptop, the archaeologist now smirking, knowing now that Sam was now almost as bored as he was. "'_Their __cries, their race for the finish line mingled and rose, rising to the intensity of a primal scream. Their souls merged and soared upwards through the stratosphere, the mesosphere, the thermosphere, and then straight up through the exosphere_...'"

Sam couldn't help but laugh out loud, interrupting albeit startling Daniel yet again. She quickly apologised and remarked, "Well, you can tell he's either a scientist... or a Wikipedia aficionado."

Daniel smirked and then appeared annoyed. "You know, I might just write a review to him correcting his... or rather Doctor Levant's assertion in the last chapter that the Kama Sutra is in Hindi. It's in Sanskrit... an Indo-Aryan language which is used in Hindu and Buddhist rituals and texts, and is also a linguistic ancestor to not only Hindi but Bengali, Gujurati, Nepali..." He realised that he was digressing, so he paused and then said, "They're both archaeologists... even if one of them is fictional. If Balinsky genuinely didn't know, he could have done some proper research."

Sam rubbed his arm, calming him. "Daniel... it's fan fiction. Who does proper research?"

"But a lot of these writers very obviously take quite a lot of care in delivering a polished narrative. They could at least add to the value with better and reliable research."

She suddenly smiled. "Go on, I dare you to write him a review... without giving away who you are, or maybe you could drop a couple of hints. I'd love to see his face tomorrow."

He gazed at the laptop screen for a moment, and then he closed the device. He leaned over to put it on a shelf before saying to Sam, who was frowning a little, "You'll have to wait to see his reaction... because I've got better things to do right now."

She grinned as she got up to kiss him. "You know, that is kinda cruel seeing as he's put so much effort in it... even if it is rather peculiar and considerably inaccurate."

He shrugged, and caressed her cheek. "Well, I don't think I'll be able to write anything coherent right this moment. I'll do it later if I remember. Or I might just get you to laugh at him tomorrow."

He kissed her, and as she pushed him back onto the bed, she asked, her hands on his shoulders, "Why me?"

"He'll steer clear of you for a while, and seeing as I have to work with him, one of us shouldn't have to suffer."

She laughed softly and then placed a finger on his lips to silence him. As he gazed up at her, she whispered with an affectionate smile as he reached up to rub her back, "That's enough talking for now. We've both got something better to do."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**Just putting this here so it didn't spoiler the chapter... Major Monroe and Doctor Levant are Sam and Daniel's Wormhole X-Treme counterparts. I'm assuming that WX's first season was in SG-1 season 5, so seeing as this is set in season 10, they should be on season 6 of WX (just put that there 'cos of the rank, even though Monroe appears to start off as a Major rather than a Captain in the series...).**

**Anywho... next up... it might be something... but then again, it might be something else. :o)**


	11. 99 CJs

**Cliché #11: "Ninety nine CJ's sitting on a wall..."**

**Season: future**

**Pairing: Sam/Daniel, a slither of Cam/Vala, Jack/Teal'c friendship, team friendship**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: an homage to the fics where Sam and Daniel see the light relatively 'late' in the day, and have a tonne of kids to catch up for ten years or more of being blind, or hiding their feelings... what fun...**

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Jack, dressed in civilian clothes, walked up a path to a house with Teal'c, the Jaffa sporting one of a growing collection of hats to cover up his golden tattoo. They stopped on reaching the front door, Teal'c's gaze elevating to a basket full of brightly coloured trailing flowers hanging from the porch. The old General remarked fondly to the long-haired Jaffa, "Nice to see that Carter's still keeping the place bright with all those flowers and other plant stuff. I bet she still talks to them."

Teal'c replied with a smirk as he fingered a flowery vine, "Judging by the steadily increasing birth rate of the Carter-Jackson household, I doubt that GeneralJackson finds the time to converse with the plants within her house."

Jack patted Teal'c on the back. The General then looked a little worried. "I'm struggling to remember the names of all those kids last time. More's not gonna help matters. Those two have gotta have shorter vacations... and to think I was worried about those two _working_ through their leave..."

The old General stared at the door impatiently, surprised that it hadn't already opened. He was about to crack a comment along the lines of the doorstep being his deathbed when the door at last opened. Jack and Teal'c greeted a greying Daniel, the archaeologist holding one of a seemingly infinite number of tiny fair haired children to his hip. Daniel remarked as he let the men in,

"You know, you could have knocked... or at least used the bell."

Teal'c smiled as he held the child's hand, and Jack retorted as he peered around the house, flinching a little as a herd of fair-haired and brown-haired children stampeded past him, "Just keeping ya on your toes, Danny... where's Carter?"

Daniel nodded in the direction of the living room as several children gathered at his feet, all whining to be picked up. Jack stomped into the room as more children rushed towards him excitedly. As Teal'c was engulfed by even more squealing toddlers, Jack exclaimed affectionately in a comedic Italian accent, "Hey! Bambinos! Pizzeria! Mamma mia! Fettucini!"

The squealing died down as the older ones conferred amongst themselves in bewilderment. They then smirked mischievously, one of them saying, "Uncle Jack, we know you don't really know Italian. It's okay."

Seated nearby, Sam, who held two babies in her arms, gently scolded the child. "Catherine, it's not nice being rude to Uncle Jack." She looked up at Jack, smiling slightly as the children rushed to Teal'c. "She gets it from her Dad."

Jack remarked as he perched on an arm of her chair, "Yeah, I figured... definitely a ringer for Danny boy that one; just like the last... hundred." He glanced around to see Teal'c disappear into a swarm of children as the Jaffa began to work on colouring in a drawing. As Daniel approached, perching on the free arm of Sam's chair, Jack said as he lifted up a tiny child, "I've got a feeling I've missed a lot of birthdays here."

He leapt up on reflex as what appeared to be a considerably sized bundle flew out of Sam's lower half, landing into one of a row of cots lined up against the wall underneath the window. Through the window he could see somewhat older children running around. Sam replied as though nothing was amiss, Daniel casually taking a baby from her, "We had a party last week for Junior, Jack, Teal'c, Sam, Martouf, Jake and George."

As another bundle shot out from Sam, Daniel added as he glanced up at Jack, "We all went bowling with Mitchell, Vala, and Teal'c."

Jack, bewildered that no-one had appeared to find the flying bundles odd, said as he slowly sat back down again, "Uh, speaking of Mitchell... and Mitchell..."

As Daniel got up to apparently tend to the bundles in their ultimate destinations, Sam replied as the baby in her arms squirmed, "Oh, Cam and Vala have gone up to their cabin in the Rockies for the weekend. They're, uh, still trying..."

Jack stared in absolute bemusement as several more bundles shot out of Sam, no-one, including Sam, appearing to notice or at least bat an eyelid at the occurrences. Putting it down to something else that he had missed during his time away, Jack, feeling quite nervous as he began to doubt his sanity, said, "Good for them." He exhaled as he looked around as screaming children ran in and out of the room and the house. "So... do any of these geniuses have names, or am I gonna have to guess them? You could have pools at the SGC. Actually, I think there might be a fair few already by now..."

Daniel sat back down from tending to the latest bundle. He gazed at Sam, smiling slightly. She grinned up at him before handing the baby to him as she stood up. Jack rolled his eyes impatiently when Daniel kissed her, the old General remarking, looking a little spooked as he heard crying coming from the cots, "Hey! Cut that out! There are kids present... _so many _kids present. You know, usually at this point, Space Monkey, I'd congratulate you for not shooting blanks, but the time for that was about a thousand Jacksons back."

Daniel shot Jack a blank expression. He then said, "Jack, it's okay. It's just uncle-shock. You should've seen Sam's brother."

"Quite frankly, Danny, I'd pay to see that man's face right now." He frowned. "How the hell do you control all these rugrats... and what the hell's up with..."

Sam produced a whistle from underneath her blouse and blew it, making Jack jump. The General cursed himself for being so edgy as the toddler he was holding climbed out of his hold. Sam yelled, "A-ten-hut!"

Jack flinched in surprise once again as even more children poured into the room. He glanced at Teal'c to see the Jaffa standing up and looking ever so slightly amused as he joined the rest of the adults. Jack was about to make a comment when he was stunned into silence on seeing perfect rows of a seemingly infinite number of fair-haired and brown-haired children, arranged in height order. Daniel got up to tend to the latest bundle to fly out of Sam, and Jack got up to look out of sheer and overwhelming curiosity.

He stared outright on seeing that each of the previously empty cots were now taken up by a newborn baby. He blinked slowly to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. He even pinched himself. Daniel smiled proudly down at the babies. He then looked at Jack. "Congratulations, Jack... you're an uncle... again."

Jack blinked once more. "I see that, Danny. I just wanna know how... I saw things shoot out of Carter. You can't tell me that that was her giving birth. I know I've only seen it happen once before, but I'm pretty sure that there is a hell of a lot more work, and swear words, involved than that."

Daniel said with a shrug, "Well, I'll get Sam to explain it to you..."

"The problem here, Space Monkey, is that you're assuming things... chiefly that I'll actually know what Carter's talking about."

"You're not dumb, Jack."

"I'm not Carter either. You and I..." Jack looked up as Teal'c approached them to look at the babies. "...and Teal'c, all know that the only person who is gonna fully understand your wife is another Carter." Noticing Daniel try to hide a smile at the mention of another Sam, Jack snapped, "Stop that! You'll be colonising entire solar systems if you had another Carter... and she'd freakin' let you."

Teal'c, taking the entire situation much better than Jack obviously was, remarked with a teasing smile, "There is no shortage of suitable uninhabited planets for DanielJackson's rapidly expanding family, O'Neill."

Jack shot Teal'c an evil look but before he could say anything, Daniel tapped him on the shoulder. "Jack..." He gestured towards where Sam was standing in front of the perfectly lined up children. "... Sam's going to introduce you to your nieces and nephews. We've had a few more additions to the family since you last visited."

Jack remarked incredulously, "A few(!)"

The General watched as Sam bellowed to the waiting children, "Cadets, you will identify yourselves to General O'Neill."

Jack looked rather impressed at how Sam had managed to keep such a large group of children under control. Each child, from the smallest toddler to the children old enough to play outside by themselves, shouted out their name, and the old General yet again wondered how he was going to afford Christmas, let alone the seemingly infinite number of birthdays in his future. Maybe it wasn't too late to return to Edora.

– **Fin**


End file.
